the big ideas

Autonomy at Every Age

What it takes to build independence in young people, from babies to young adults.

chorui halim

24 Sep 2025 — 8 min read

Contrary to popular opinion, children aren't helpless. We enforce their dependence on adults through every possible system, and then use their dependence as further proof of their incompetence. It's a deeply unfair cycle.

Breaking that cycle is a huge task, but one of the first steps towards it is shifting our own perspective as adults towards children. Instead of focusing on all the things children can't do, it's time to get out of their damn way and let them develop their own autonomy. That starts with babies, and then snowballs through toddlerhood, middle childhood, pre-adolescence, and adolescence.

This article is about the things that adults can do on an individual level to support the autonomy of children. It's not just for parents - in fact, alloparents/nonparents are some of the most crucial figures in children's lives when it comes to breaking cycles of dependence.

The most important thing is that we shouldn't be using a semblance of autonomy to get children to do what we wanted them to do in the first place (this is excessively common among toddler parents, myself included). Instead, we should treat their wants, needs, and perspectives as truly important. We should treat the undermining of their autonomy as a significant betrayal of trust. Otherwise, we're just continuing the cycle of dependence, blame, and disenfranchisement.

So, what can we do at each stage to help children build autonomy?

Babies

Babies aren't blank slates. By the time they're born, they're already aware of the world around them, and they respond to what they perceive. They communicate by verbalizing and gesturing.

They learn incredibly rapidly, and can communicate their preferences in detail from a very early age. They understand all kinds of things far earlier than they can express their understanding through words, but they can demonstrate the extent of their understanding using sign language (as young as 3-6 months old) or gesturing more generally with their hands, legs, eyes, head, etc. (from week 1).

At this stage, giving babies autonomy means:

Giving them the chance to explore the world around them at their own pace
Giving them tools to communicate effectively
Explaining things that are happening simply, clearly, and respectfully
Asking for their preferences regularly
Respecting those preferences whenever possible

Toddlers

The toddler stage is when children learn to walk (to toddle), speak, and understand basic logical concepts/reasoning. With these skills, their capacity for communicating and fulfilling their desires expands very much and very quickly.

With this expanded capacity comes a lot of frustration when they aren't able to do what they want to do. What we often refer to as "the terrible twos" or "the threenager phase" is really the gap between the desire for autonomy and the ability to enforce it. Parents struggle with these phases because a primary role of the parent is to deny kids' autonomy until kids can internalize and behave according to citizenship norms.

Giving toddlers autonomy looks the same as giving babies autonomy, and also:

Being respectful to them regardless of whether things are difficult
- (Also regardless of whether you think they're being respectful to you)
Helping them understand, navigate, and communicate their emotions
Giving them as many choices as possible
- The food they eat and when they eat it
- The clothes they wear
- The activities they do
Presenting the choices in an accessible way
- Too many choices can be overwhelming - start with 2 or 3
Explaining the decision-making process thoroughly when making choices that affect them that clearly contradict their desires
- Explaining why their choice would be harmful or impossible
- Giving them potential alternatives
- Making sure the limitations on their autonomy are reasonable, limited, and well-understood
Explaining the impacts of their decisions on the people (and animals, environment, etc.) around them
Teaching them basic problem-solving and critical thinking techniques
Reducing violence inflicted on them
- Enforcement of sexgender norms
- Punishment

Middle Childhood

Middle childhood is when children start to be able to read and use more complex logical reasoning. They also start making more sophisticated social connections.

With consistent guidance and reinforcement, children at this stage tend to be able to manage their emotions more reliably. The denial of autonomy can still be very distressing, but they develop the ability to internalize as well as externalize that distress. (This can be both helpful and harmful.)

At this stage, giving children autonomy looks like giving toddlers autonomy, and also:

Teaching them how to navigate the world more independently
- Going to school, library, store, rec center, etc. themselves
- Accessing individual and collective safety measures
Teaching them complex problem-solving and critical thinking techniques
Giving them access to learn about whatever they want
Teaching them how manipulation works, interpersonally and structurally
- What manipulation means (implicitly undermining autonomy)
- How to recognize when they're being manipulated (or when they're manipulating others)
- How to evaluate how it's making them (or others) feel
- How to figure out what to do about it
Letting them know what to expect during puberty, and giving them the choice of what kind of puberty they want to experience (or if they want to delay it)

Pre-Adolescence & Adolescence

This is when children start differentiating from their families even more. They build more independent social connections and start trying to figure out who they are as individuals. It often ends up being a point of conflict between them and their parents; however, there's things that can be done to minimize that.

Giving pre-adolescents and adolescents autonomy looks like giving children autonomy, and also:

Giving them unbiased information about all the different academic and career options available to them.
Teaching them about personal finance and contracts, so that as they start thinking about signing student loans or leases, they fully understand the implications of their actions.
Giving them access to unconditional emotional support. Teens struggle constantly with feeling misunderstood and judged. They need emotional outlets where they won't be criticized for everything they do as they try to figure stuff out. Giving them the resources they need to build emotional management skills really helps.
Giving them bodily autonomy when it comes to appearance, expression, etc. There are ways to handle questions of safety without taking away bodily autonomy, and many (most?) parents restrict bodily autonomy far more than safety concerns necessitate.
Giving them more information about healthy and unhealthy social dynamics. Many parents worry about their children having "bad influences," but the truth is that children are much more susceptible to unhealthy and abusive social dynamics if they're already denied autonomy at home. This goes for dynamics involving individuals (like bullying) or groups (like white supremacist or other reactionary groups).

Generally, this stage is about giving them everything they'll need to be able to integrate into adult society. It involves building on all the skills developed in the previous stages. It also involves giving them the space to experiment and fail on their own, without the fear of being abandoned for it.

Conclusion

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are too many ways that youth of all ages are denied autonomy in this society, and there's only so many personal steps we can take to counter that on an individual basis. The most effective actions will always be collective and systemic.

But building systemic change is a process. Youth liberation won't happen spontaneously, and we need to bridge the gap between here and there. A lot of that happens on an individual basis as well as a systemic one. It requires the contribution of all kinds of people, not just parents.

It's also important to remember that the stages I've laid out are social constructions and not biological imperatives. Different children will develop different capabilities at their own paces. This is a fluid and iterative process - we can't just check off all the boxes once and call it a day. Crucially, it should be up to children (not adults!) to decide whether the level of autonomy and support they have is enough. Most of the biggest conflicts between children and their parents stem from a denial of autonomy, and it takes a fundamental perspective shift to truly address them.

We're a long, long way from youth liberation right now. Changing the way we think about children - as helpless, dependent creatures owned by their parents - is the first step towards it. Everything else follows from there.